This Recently Married Man Just Realized Marriage Is Not For Him. You Have To Read What He Wrote.
A Newlywed Man’s Perspective on Why Marriage Isn’t For Him
Married to Kim for a year and a half, Seth Adam Smith has just come to the realization that marriage is not meant for him.
Read Seth’s blog to find out about his revelation that marriage is way more than just about him.
Marriage Isn’t For You
In the short time I have been married (a year and a half), I’ve come to understand that marriage is not for me.
Before the accusations fly, give me a chance to explain.
We were still in high school when Kim and I met. Both of us were fifteen years old. We became best friends and enjoyed a deepening friendship for ten years until taking our relationship to the next level became unavoidable. Best friends who fall in love get the best of both worlds—an unbreakable bond of friendship and the passion and connection of a committed relationship.
Despite having been close for ten years, I was still nervous and scared about taking the marriage vows. As our wedding drew closer, fear started taking over. I wondered if I was ready for marriage and if Kim was truly the one for me. Once we were married would I still feel happy with her?
Fortunately I was smart enough not to let my anxiety completely derail me. Instead, I unloaded all of my worries on my wise, old dad.
Our talk was one of those occasions where it seemed as if the world stopped moving for a moment and a sense of clarity emerged from the stillness.
After listening to my litany of concerns my dad smiled and said, “You are being completely self-centered, Seth. I’m sorry to tell you but the bottom line is that marriage is not for you. You don’t get married to make yourself happy. You get married to ensure the happiness of someone else.
Marriage is not only bigger than just you. Marriage is for the family you will be creating. Your kids are the true beneficiaries of your relationship, not anyone else. You have to consider who you want to be the mother of your children. Think about whose influence you want them to be under. Marriage is about your wife and family. It isn’t for or about you.”
Like magic, I knew right away that Kim was the person I wanted to spend my life making happy. I wanted to do anything in my power to keep a smile on her lips and a laugh in her heart. I wanted our families to be part of one another. I especially recalled Kim playing with my nieces, and the memory of that made me realize she had to be the future mother of my children.
My dad’s guidance was completely in opposition to the disposable culture we’re surrounded by. His surprising advice made perfect sense: marriage should be an irreversible commitment that you don’t renege on.
Genuine love and an authentic marriage are never about you. This type of devoted covenant is about nourishing and supporting the hopes and dreams of your spouse. It is dedicated to fulfilling your partner’s wants and needs. Marriage is the antithesis of selfishness. It takes us away from our constant compulsion to get what we want and puts us in the mindset of figuring out what we can do for someone else.
Thank God I was wise enough to put my heart in Kim’s hands. For months I was in a downward spiral of fear and resentment. Inevitably, in my selfishness and apathy, I exploded. It was then that Kim demonstrated what true love is all about.
Rather than go head to head with me and battle about my negativity, Kim did the complete opposite. Despite the misery I had unleashed on her, she unselfishly put her own feelings aside and opened her arms to me in an offering of solace.
In that moment my father’s advice came back to me. Instead of following his suggestion and making our marriage about Kim, I had childishly been insisting that the marriage be about me. Lucky for me, Kim instinctually knew how to do what my father had advised. When I realized how self-absorbed and unsupportive I had become, I felt horrible. I vowed to Kim that I would be the man she should be married to.
Please know that regardless of your marital status, marriage is not for you. Love and marriage are about your partner.
The amazing part is that the more you invest in loving your spouse, the more you experience the gift of love. The even more wonderful part is that once you leave your self-absorption behind and devote yourself to love; you find that you are blessed with love from countless others.
As my dad said, “Marriage is not for you. Marriage is about others.”
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